It’s 1:45 am and the rhythm of my husband’s snoring is less soothing tonight than it is irritating. I am fully awake and my head is spinning from watching a special on the life (and death) of George Harrison, followed immediately by the sad story of Eric Clapton’s son’s untimely death.
Death has been on my mind a lot lately as I feel the fall begin to rob the summer of light, pushing all of its lush greenery into dormancy as it prepares for much cooler nights. September in particular hits me hard because it means the end of so many things… free-form routines and outdoor living, the romance of long evening sunsets, and the tranquility of barbecues on the beach and salt air and warm sand under my feet.
It is definitely a time of change, and I was never good at that.
September also happens to coincide with my birthday, a date on which I have been uncomfortable celebrating as far back as I can remember. Not loving being the center of attention, and with the fuss that society almost commands for birthdays, I find I’m a little more awkward than most when it comes to celebrating.
This year’s birthday gifts of concert tickets and a play had me venturing out three nights in a row in celebration, and for some reason I shared all of it on Facebook. Maybe it’s because the events were so cool that it would be a shame not to share, even though it publicly announced that I am a year older, like it or not.
I’ve been doing all I can to stay in the moment, because the second I start to project ahead, the more I begin to feel sadness well up in both my throat and my heart. The words of Pink Floyd’s song “Time” sum up that feeling as they rush through my head right now:
“And then one day you find, ten years have gone behind you. No one told you when to run; you missed the starting gun…”
It also didn’t help that the last night of the celebration was spent at a play in NYC that gripped every single emotion one human can imagine and squeezed all of us to the point of tears. I actually ended up with a headache the size of Jupiter from the struggle of holding back total sobs. This play managed to bring to the surface some of my own struggles with connections in school while at an extremely impressionable age, and it stirred up some of those awful feelings again like it just happened.
And what’s worse is that the loneliness of the character in the play I saw, stemming from his lack of connections, caused him to end his life. He had no friends. He had no voice. And so the moral of the story behind this play for me dovetails with my own life’s mission as a coach right now, that is to provide these kids with not only a voice, but with the confidence it takes to not give a damn about anybody else’s opinion.
It’s called a turnaround.
And that moment when it all sinks in, and they sit up a little taller, and they begin to believe in themselves again… it’s priceless. And that a-ha is what I live for today. I love what I do.
So as I am rereading this blog in anticipation of hitting “publish”, I am beginning to feel a little bit better. Maybe I just need to turn my own thoughts around. In other words:
What would September look like if I actually considered it to be the beginning of something rather than the end?
Well, for starters, it’s the unofficial kick-off to a new year in the world of academia, which can mean a clean slate and a new chances; a time to regroup and reorganize. For me personally it’s the actual start of a new birth year, which in and of itself means 365 new chances to make a difference in somebody else’s life. And maybe it’s a good time to begin to purge things from my life, and replace them with more meaningful things.
I could start by shaking off unrewarding commitments and replacing them with new adventures. Collecting some of those gorgeous yellow, red and orange leaves and making a piece of art from them. Being more creative. Bringing a little more structure into a week and building in time for recreation. Pulling from that bucket list. Putting romance back into what is now an earlier nightfall by actually using the fireplace for something other than storage. Just add candles!
And there you go… A turnaround in the making!
So now as I begin the sign-off, it is in a better frame of mind and with a mission to create more “happy” in my life. I am determined to move forward—starting today—with a better appreciation for the beginnings that the fall, and in particular September, have to offer. I can’t guarantee that the fall won’t pull on me, but suffice it to say that I will now resist going down a rabbit hole of sadness when it does.
And what about you? Do you ever find yourself under layers of emotions that trap you in a funk? The emotions that make you want to stay under the blanket? When that happens, try an approach that always seems to work for me.
Peel back some of those layers of upset and pick just one of them to work on.
Take the thought that’s steering your mood and turn it around.
Ask yourself in what way the cause of your pain or discomfort or angst could be a positive. Imagine what it would look like from that angle, and rewrite your story from this perspective.
In no time you will feel the pull right out of that funk and into a much happier place where gratitude rules. Gratitude is an awesome place to land, so who wouldn’t want to stay there?
Until next time-
With love, Linda
